lady i swear by all flowers

not a costume, but emulating joni

A couple of weeks ago we watched a documentary on joni mitchell, and there was one photograph in the film that showed her with her hair in braids wrapped around her head (mostly you see her with her hair long, center-parted with bangs).  She looked real happy in this photograph, and ever since then I've been frequently wearing my hair in braids wrapped up around my head.  Yesterday I did a different take, twisting the braids into buns and felt very sweet all day.  

I've been in sort of a funk with my writing lately, namely, I haven't written anything good or new in quite some time and that feels very odd to me.  But in this documentary, joni talks about her cycles of creating art and how she alternates between painting and music, and how she really couldn't do one without the other, nor can she do both at the same time.  I feel as though I'm in a similar place with not feeling quite capable of or drawn to writing just now.  Instead, I've been creating more physical things, working quite whole-heartedly on knitting and creating visual pieces.  Thinking back over even just the past year, I see that it is difficult for me to do both at once -- write and design.  I can't write (well, at least) when I am working on a performance, for example.  But I feel such a force to do both.  It seems all of my energy and freshness go into one or the other at any given time and just now its design -- on many levels, being practical garments, lacey embellishments (a project I'll flush out soonly), photographs and such, and also the incredibly self-consuming process of growing a baby (a "design" in and of itself, no?).  Sometimes I get anxious about not being able to write, and it bothers me greatly.  But I think it has much to do with re-evaluating the value I place on the different crafts and feeling comfortable with where my energy wants to go.  

*While I was writing this, Tom came downstairs and read me several poems (his own and some dylan thomas) that he will be performing on sunday at a reading at the empyrean.  Then we watched a video of my exit performance project from may and I remembered that I can write and that it will come again.  It is a wonderful thing to live with other writers.

**My momma comes in from kansas today, to stay with us up through baby time.  I can't wait to share with her the little home we've made.

***I think, no halloween par-taking for me today.  I'm feeling a bit knock-kneed and heavy-headed and may just go lie down now.  But happy trickery and treating to all! 

   

From left to right, "love is all love" (1969); "clouds" (1969); untitled (unknown date) 

making a nest

Throughout the whole of my pregnancy, I've had it stuck pretty clearly in my head that baby time would be mid-november.  But as its going, its any day now and my nesting impulse has taken over quite thoroughly.  As it is, here is a little visual tour through our "baby space" (nestled nicely into our living space in the basement, hence the tricky lighting).

On top of the dresser, a very sweet pillow made for baby by miss magdalene (my eight-year-old sister). Her handiwork is very fine indeed.  

The vase is a wedding gift from momma, and I filled it with twinkly lights to make a little lamp.

And the fabric satchel is another gift from maggie, stitched up a couple of years ago.  I think she put dryer sheets in it, as well, because its smells so fresh and clean...

Pom pom garland, made with yarn scraps, and strung up with twinkle lights to make a sort of mobile-esque drapey above the changing pad on the baby dresser.  

                             

The sweater / soaker shelf -- the drawing on the back wall was done by magdalene for sebastian and I for our wedding (such a busy little lady).  Its a picture of a snail, with a message: I hope your love lasts as long as it takes a snail to get from kansas city to spokane!  I love it dearly, and its perfect to have right up next to the wee little baby things -- the blanket / burp cloth shelf above, mostly softies collected from thrift stores and dyed to suit our less traditional color palette.

Yes, I think we're just about ready for this little one.

snapshots

*I used this fantastic little photo-playing-machine to put the images in a vintage-y polaroid mode.

house of slaven-davis

 

We've been all about fashion design shows over here these past couple of weeks.  Alexandra, Tom and I (we just recently won Sebastian over on the third season) have been watching a bbc television series from the early nineties called house of elliot   Its set in 1920's london and is all about these two sisters who, upon recently losing their father and any means of supporting themselves, decide to start their own house of fashion.  Really its about the clothes.  Alexandra and I ooh and ah over the cloche hats and swingy coats and drop-waisted dresses in silks and velvets and beaded-dazzlery.  The story is rather melodramatic, but it touches on surprisingly relevant issues -- veterans from WWI dealing with shock and depression, the spinning social scene all jazzed up and perched to fall, the stock markets beginning to shake (the depression hit europe a bit earlier than it did here), fair wages and worker rights, feminist struggles in a male-dominated business world.  But all of this is pressed up against an endless silly cycle of petty bickering and money woes.  However, all is forgiven for the clothes.

  

Seb and I also just had a marathon project runway season 5 viewing, via youtube.  Also lots of silly, petty bickering, but of all reality tv shows, this is just about the only one I can stand.  Well, I more than stand it, I really dig the creative challenges of the show, the people on it have a great deal of talent and are definitely watch-worthy.  When I was designing for the stage back in chicago, I dealt with similar challenges -- limited resources, limited time, specific rules and needs for the designs -- and its fascinating to me to see how other people (with way better technical skills than me) meet these.  Also pretty cool, the winning designing started out selling her designs on etsy before taking on the show.  

We were both inspired by high fashion that night -- Sebastian put on an edgy runway show, featuring a peter pan goes oriental look (check out these incredible socks) and I went full speed ahead on the toe-up socks I've been designing (look at that pointelle!  don't look at that heel!)

             

not a dream

lady of guadalupe stars that light the stairs at night...

In the last dream I had before waking this morning (from about 4 hours of sleep -- I am just not a side sleeper, but options are limited these days), I gave birth to a baby boy.  This is the second dream like this I've had in the past week, where I give birth and it is so calm and quiet and easy.  Its just sebastian and I together, and, in the dream, I separate myself from him for a moment and am alone and then suddenly I've given birth and I show him our baby boy.  The baby weighed over 14 lbs and was walking after an hour.  I had to explain to seb that this was an abnormally large baby, as the average size is 7-8 lbs.  I believe in big fat healthy babies, but I think 14 lbs is a bit much...

These dreams feel exactly as I imagine the birth will be.  Very intimate and focused, unrushed, unworried.  When we were taking our birth class back in chicago, our instructor colleen asked me how I pictured the birth would go, as we took a hypnobirthing class and one of the main elements of this method is visualization.  The way I can best explain it is in sensation, as I don't want to tie myself to a strong idea of the action of it, the way events will progress.  In my writing, and in working with performance and stage design, I think almost entirely in image, in the way something looks relating to and conveying the way it feels.  That is something I feel I can create (and in a way, control) in the birth, a space that embodies the way I'd like it to feel.  Warmly lit, gentle, quiet.  When colleen asked me about it a couple of months ago, I described it in this memory I have of sleeping over at my next door neighbor's house as a little girl.  My friend's mother would come in to wake us up in the morning, but she wouldn't do it by banging on the door or making lots of noise, commanding we wake up.  She would crawl into bed with us and snuggle a bit, letting us wake up slowly with good mornings and a lazy ease out of bed.  It felt so wonderful to wake up that way, with quiet and love and respect for the sleep world we were coming from.  And that is how I see bringing our baby into the world.  

Margaret came over this afternoon for our home visit, just to make sure all the stairs were climbable and the exits wide, etc etc, and to do a little baby check-up -- she ended up staying for about three and a half hours, visiting.  She fits perfectly in our home, in the space that I envision our birth happening in.  I just feel so comfortable and confident with her, which is a good place to be in just now as today's check up showed that the baby has "dropped" considerably, is weighing a healthy 7 - 7 1/2 lbs, and may likely be joining us sooner rather than later.  My warm up contractions have been coming on good and strong for a couple of days now and apparently women of southern european descent (italian, german, irish, a whole mix-up I am) tend to carry to about 38-39 weeks, which is about where I am at!  

On the one hand, I'm pretty ready to not be pregnant any more.  On the other, there are cloth wipes still to be made!  Pom pom garlands to be strung!  Diaper soakers to knit!  Thank you notes to write, very belated birthday gifts to mail, camcorders to figure out, student loans to straighten out, belly casts to paint, black cherry soda popsicles to make... 

But the baby will come when it feels it is ready, and I will welcome it (cloth diaper wipes or no) with little kisses and snuggles and warm blankets whenever that may be.  

         

a necklace made by beautiful women at my blessingway in kansas -- each bead carefully chosen  and strung on a cord, the significance of the selected bead written down in a notebook.  I've been wearing it quite a bit, lately, and it makes me feel connected to and an active part of this universal experience of childbirth that is both totally amazing and totally normal.   

of socks and such things

(psst -- thanks so much for all of the sweet comments on the shawl, they were most kind!)

socks so small

pattern: baby fixation socks

yarn: scrap sock yarn from a thrift store grab-bag + shibui sock yarn in color #6 at the cuff and toe

needles: US2 dpns

Being for the tiniest of toes, these knit up remarkably quick.  I don't know if they can quite qualify for socktober as others are making beautifully intricate creations and these are so simple.  But in the knitterly spirit of the month, I've taken on learning some new sock making skills in a class at a really wonderful local fiber shop, Paradise Fibers.  One of the hardest things about knitting socks (and mittens and anything that comes in twos) is motivating myself to make the second after the first one is complete.  In the class I am taking I've learned a much speedier method of knitting socks from the toe up on one big circular needle, but will also learn how to make two at the same time on the same needle.  And then what production of full-sized socks you will see from me!

I wanted to add a little extra challenge to this practice pair of socks, too, so I created my own lace and rib pattern for the basic diy pattern we are using in the class.  Its a whole lotta math (see all those scratches?  math's not my thing), but it keeps the length of it more interesting to knit and its pretty spectacular to see something that you envision in numbers of stitches and yarn-overs actually form into a design.  One more class to learn the heel-turn and we'll see how it turns out...

And on the subject of handmade things to warm a body, yesterday afternoon I went on another use-up-the-apples venture and made this incredible bread.  There is a going on to aim at making one good loaf of bread each week.  One loaf per week seems a totally accomplishable goal just about now (when a lot of other things don't) and this one was definitely good.  

I made a few minor adjustments, adding a good 2 heaping cups of chopped apples and nixing the whole wheat flour for the all purpose.  Next time around, I think I would cut down or eliminate the nutmeg, too, as it became the dominant flavor in the bread and it, for whatever reason, isn't my favorite of spices.  And add more of the saigon cinnamon.    

There was a moment when I poured the melted butter over the mixture of flour, brown sugar, cinnamon and such that the most comforting smell came up from the bowl and I felt like nothing could be more right in the world than baking bread on a thursday afternoon.  Energy crisis?  The smell of hot butter and cinnamon is warmth like no other.       

 

like autumn sunshine for your neck

At long last, finished.  This is my first go at a shawl and lace in knitting and I have to say, this was the perfect first project.  The pattern was complex enough to stay interesting for rows and rows (and rows and rows) but also repeated itself to a point where I eventually had it memorized.  

And what perfect timing for finishing it, too!  It matches the colors of right now so beautifully, the golden yellow of the yard from all the leaves fallen.  

autumn sunshine shawl

pattern: woodland shawl, by Nikol Lohr

yarn: malabrigo lace in frank ochre, 1.25 skeins

needles: US6 circular

started: July 10 2008 (on my first visit out to spokane)

finished: October 22 2008

I began this shawl as a little wrap for snuggling the baby while nursing -- but I think it really just wants to be worn around my neck.  Malabrigo is by far the buttery softest most delicious wool to wear next to your skin.  There isn't anything else quite like it.  I put it on after taking these photographs and took it off only to knead bread (didn't want flour getting all up in my new cozy). Its perfect for sitting in a deep chair and smelling apple bread baking upstairs and watching this little lovely and feeling all warm and gushy and just right.

        

acorn apple soup

soup!, originally uploaded by chelsaramas.

Lately I've been real interested in coming up with my own creations (rather than reproducing someone else's), mostly in the realm of designing knitting patterns. But yesterday afternoon I took it to the kitchen and made up this soup. Wanting to use what we had around, there are some rather specific and interesting ingredients (minced garlic & ginger stir fry; sweet corn soup), but I think it could also be made quite deliciously with more basic substitutions.

acorn apple soup
*serves 4 - 6
1 acorn squash, pitted peeled and diced (about 6 c.)
3 carrots, peeled & diced (2 c.)
3 apples, peeled & diced (3 c.)
1 tbsp. olive oil
16 oz. sweet corn soup (or vegetable broth. or whatever you have. but probably not beef broth, which was my other option)
1 tsp. minced ginger & garlic stir fry (or just plain garlic)
1/2 tsp dried rosemary
1 tsp cinnamon (we have this incredible saigon cinnamon)
2 tbsp. butter
sour cream
salt
pepper

Put all of the above (except sour cream) in a slow cooker set on high for three hours (or medium/low for longer if you please). Go have a mexican hot chocolate with your mother-in-law at the chocolate apothecary
. Hunt through a thrift shop for wool sweaters to recycle with your honey. Come home, check on your greatly reduced and softened soup. Puree with a hand-held mixer or transfer to a blender (or mash it up with a strainer spoon). Add salt / pepper to taste, dish up and serve with a dollop (what a lovely word) of sour cream.

careful -- its hot!

mmmm

Its a real thick and hearty soup, the flavors matching the way it smells outside these days. Sweet but completely satsifying. And the colors, too -- our backyard is all awash with yellow and gold, the leaves coming down and coming down. We ate the entire batch at dinner.

Today, Margaret comes over for our home visit (to make sure we are all set to birth at home). Which means, cleaning. We have some little gifts / distractions for her, homemade applesauce and apple butter, and maybe I'll bake some cookie bars (we've got to use up those apples). So one last cup of coffee and full speed ahead.

the last time I wrote something that felt right

Wop's hands, originally uploaded by chelsaramas.

Loading Room

I, young and in pajamas, sat with my grandfather in his loading room in the basement of their farmhouse. The vinyl seat of my chair had cracked and I could feel the sharp split and the foam poking out from it on the underside of my thigh. Guns lined the faux wood-paneled walls, hanging neat and even in their racks. We sat close to a long, low counter and there were three reloading presses on it, like bulked-out microscopes, and old Folgers coffee cans filled with cartridges, cases, jackets.

His hands, dirt-stained and sun-stained, swollen hard from field and tractor and fishing line. My hands, small, white, always fidgeting, picking at something -- my nails, my doll's hair -- and I cannot shoot a gun.

But for this, the quivering goose chick he puts in my hands, even now its softness hot from the incubator in the corner of the room, for this they are still, steady.

-6 February 2008

high production

today, these went from their basket into a bucket ...

...and then were laid out on a towel to dry.

I got real lucky at an estate sale last weekend and found a whole batch of vintage handknit mittens. Knowing the time and effort and poured into anything handmade, I scooped up a whole bunch of them (at a ridiculously low price) and Sebastian got the rest (for even less!) the next morning. They are impeccably knit, mostly all wool and mostly unworn. I have a special project in mind for them, which will unfold before your eyes at a later date. But today was spent soaking and blocking, and bothering one of the porch cats with my camera until she arched her tail and sauntered away to a less bothersome porch.

In between mitten baths, I waited on hold with the printers for a good while to straighten out our thank you note order (we really do want to thank you for our wedding), made a talking message to my family on our new camcorder and then tried until I was quite cranky to figure out how to get it to upload to my little ibook (any suggestions? the usb connection with the camcorder registers on my "about this mac" page, but won't show up / open anywhere on the hard drive. all the help samsung offers is for pc. boo.) Also, made & canned another batch of applesauce, or mostly Sebastian did, but I stirred a bit and took the cans out of the boiling bath when they were finished processing. And looked up lots of apple recipes for the rest of the almost bushel of apples we have left from Sebastian's picking of a neighbor's tree. And did laundry. And grew a baby. And tucked the mittens back into their basket roast by the space heater (just like me right now). And settled in to watch some marx brothers and add the finishing touches to a long-time knitting project.

Good night.