not a dream
lady of guadalupe stars that light the stairs at night...
In the last dream I had before waking this morning (from about 4 hours of sleep -- I am just not a side sleeper, but options are limited these days), I gave birth to a baby boy. This is the second dream like this I've had in the past week, where I give birth and it is so calm and quiet and easy. Its just sebastian and I together, and, in the dream, I separate myself from him for a moment and am alone and then suddenly I've given birth and I show him our baby boy. The baby weighed over 14 lbs and was walking after an hour. I had to explain to seb that this was an abnormally large baby, as the average size is 7-8 lbs. I believe in big fat healthy babies, but I think 14 lbs is a bit much...
These dreams feel exactly as I imagine the birth will be. Very intimate and focused, unrushed, unworried. When we were taking our birth class back in chicago, our instructor colleen asked me how I pictured the birth would go, as we took a hypnobirthing class and one of the main elements of this method is visualization. The way I can best explain it is in sensation, as I don't want to tie myself to a strong idea of the action of it, the way events will progress. In my writing, and in working with performance and stage design, I think almost entirely in image, in the way something looks relating to and conveying the way it feels. That is something I feel I can create (and in a way, control) in the birth, a space that embodies the way I'd like it to feel. Warmly lit, gentle, quiet. When colleen asked me about it a couple of months ago, I described it in this memory I have of sleeping over at my next door neighbor's house as a little girl. My friend's mother would come in to wake us up in the morning, but she wouldn't do it by banging on the door or making lots of noise, commanding we wake up. She would crawl into bed with us and snuggle a bit, letting us wake up slowly with good mornings and a lazy ease out of bed. It felt so wonderful to wake up that way, with quiet and love and respect for the sleep world we were coming from. And that is how I see bringing our baby into the world.
Margaret came over this afternoon for our home visit, just to make sure all the stairs were climbable and the exits wide, etc etc, and to do a little baby check-up -- she ended up staying for about three and a half hours, visiting. She fits perfectly in our home, in the space that I envision our birth happening in. I just feel so comfortable and confident with her, which is a good place to be in just now as today's check up showed that the baby has "dropped" considerably, is weighing a healthy 7 - 7 1/2 lbs, and may likely be joining us sooner rather than later. My warm up contractions have been coming on good and strong for a couple of days now and apparently women of southern european descent (italian, german, irish, a whole mix-up I am) tend to carry to about 38-39 weeks, which is about where I am at!
On the one hand, I'm pretty ready to not be pregnant any more. On the other, there are cloth wipes still to be made! Pom pom garlands to be strung! Diaper soakers to knit! Thank you notes to write, very belated birthday gifts to mail, camcorders to figure out, student loans to straighten out, belly casts to paint, black cherry soda popsicles to make...
But the baby will come when it feels it is ready, and I will welcome it (cloth diaper wipes or no) with little kisses and snuggles and warm blankets whenever that may be.
a necklace made by beautiful women at my blessingway in kansas -- each bead carefully chosen and strung on a cord, the significance of the selected bead written down in a notebook. I've been wearing it quite a bit, lately, and it makes me feel connected to and an active part of this universal experience of childbirth that is both totally amazing and totally normal.
